I do not know when it was that I lost that. I am not sure when I lost hope that my presence in this world would make a difference.
Life is not at all how I imagined and planned it would be as a kid. I guess that is a part of growing up. You grow up and you lose that part of you that was so sure and confident that, no matter how life seemed to be, no matter how terrible things looked for adults, when you are a kid, you are so sure that things will be different for you. Your life is going to be wondrous and amazing and not at all the bleak hopelessness that seem to enshroud the lives of the adults you come into contact with.
But that's not true. Those adults so beaten down by life were once those same children who believed that their lives would be more grand and more... just more. I do not know what it is about growing up that makes us all lose that spark of assurance. I truly do not. I do not even remember it happening to me and I am barely an adult. I guess I just woke up one day and realized that my life would never be the way I had always imagined it to be. I would not go on any grand adventures. My life was not meant for adventuring.
Perhaps a part of this is because of how afraid I am. Maybe that's really what happens to us as children. We lose not a spark or hope, but our fearlessness. As a child it is so easy to imagine going out in the world, going new places, meeting new people, trying new things. There is no limit on your wondrous thirst for more, when you are a child. But as you grow older you start to realize that there is more than just a world out there. There are dangers. Bad things can happen to you. It's easier to stay home, to stay surrounded by all that you know, to never leave the safety and comfort of all that you know.
Except that I yearn for more in my soul. I need to find out how to get back to that childish hopefulness, to shake off the fear of the unknown, of the maybes that I build as a wall around me which keeps me shackled in place. I feel this restlessness, this tugging; I just need to go, to get away, to see, to feel, to experience. I just need to figure out how.
"When I was young, my ambition was to be one of the people who made a difference in this world. my hope is to leave the world a little better for having been there." -Jim Henson
"The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page." -St. Augustine